Crumples up another piece of paper and tosses it in the trash
There’s nothing quite like the existential thrill of wondering if all of this is worth it. It leaves you with a very daunting question: What do you do, when you don’t know what to do?
I started and deleted this blog three or four times because finding the right words to express this feeling, allowing myself the moment of vulnerability, only to realize that it’s yet another universal struggle with creatives, made it feel like nothing I wrote mattered. But that’s simply not true.
I know we’re all in the throes of survival in every part of the world, in every marginalized demographic, but survival doesn’t have to feel joyless. Survival is joy, even. And thus, that brings me to the topic of this whole blog:
I quit.
No, I'm not quitting my job. I’m not quitting editing or writing or WildStar Press (I’ve worked too damn hard on those last three to up and quit and, aha, the way capitalism is set up I need the 9 to 5 unfortunately.) What I am quitting is the dreaded search. I’ve found myself in a perpetual ouroboros of applying for editorial jobs to “make it in the industry” only to be told that I’m not what they’re looking for or that I’m good but not good enough. So I’m quitting the idea that in order for me to be qualified for something I have to have an award or title to match it. I’m quitting the idea of having to “make it” and prove myself to people that don’t care.
Here’s the thing. I know I’m good at what I do. I love writing. I love being an editor. And in order to keep that love, I have to stop chasing the things that constantly put themselves out of my reach, especially when they tell me that I’m not enough.
I’ve failed enough times to realize that what I want has always been there. Sometimes value doesn’t always equate to a consistent paycheck, but my value is where I know I’m happiest and where I’m wanted. And that’s been with freelance.
Now, it’s not the most glamorous thing in the world, lol and it's certainly not paying the bills, but it’s where I know I’ve helped the most people and had the most impact. Freelance editing and WildStar Press have become something that people see and think I can accomplish my project. And that’s great! I’ve learned that I can open doors so others can thrive. It’s something I enjoy doing.
But oof, I got stuck in the weeds of trying to open locked doors for myself for so long that I’ve started to spiral and lose my own way. So, it’s time for me to take a step back. I’m giving myself much more grace this year especially as the world burns before our eyes. There’s no reason for me to be hard on myself for not being somewhere corporate. I don’t even like working like that. Where I'm at isn't bad! It's not the best but it certainly is keeping me afloat.
The world’s on fire and I’m going to just keep making fun things and helping others make their fun things, taking as much time as we need to to do it. Consider this your reminder that it’s okay to keep that 9-5 because it’s secure, just remember to carve out a few minutes out your day to make something or do something that you can say is truly yours because that’s what I’ll be doing too.
Alright. This one was a bit all over the place. So I’m going to end it with some resources:
Silver Sprocket created a link of resources, organizations, and funds to support.
Stay safe out there, help your fellow man, protect trans lives, protect POC and
see you in the stars
🌟
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